If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
