happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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