I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize