I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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