Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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