I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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