i think my tv is drunk
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
