All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
