You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize