My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
