how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
