the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I fill condoms, not promises.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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