I'm jealous of your bromance
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
