It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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