I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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