I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
