can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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