Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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