I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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