my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
