My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
