this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
