Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
