You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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