I heard we made out
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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