Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
