If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
