I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize