i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
