Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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