Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
