Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
