I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
