I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
