Whod you bang
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
