chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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