Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
this beer tastes like vomit already
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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