Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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