his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
