I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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