All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
