i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
