My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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