A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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