I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
