i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize