Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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