Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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