So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
