And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize