I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
