Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
