Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
