Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
