Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize