Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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