I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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