Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
