I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
