remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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