You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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