The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize