He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
