They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
