the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
