I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize