dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
