I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
