i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
